TOUGH TRANSITIONS

I currently subscribe to your great publication. I just read the interview with Michele Letourneau in a past issue and enjoyed her comments. I feel the same way she does in many situations. Being an only child is a unique and positive experience. I am a 26-year-old only child and have loved being the only child in my parents’ life. I have had a great relationship with them. My father spent 26+ years as a naval officer and retired in 1990 as a pilot.. He was a captain.  We moved about 13-14 times by the time I was on my way to college, which made for an even more interesting and wonderful life as an only child.
On June 21, 1998, my father died suddenly and sadly from a heart attack. It was on Father’s Day. How ironic it had to happen on that day. Since then, my role as an only child has changed tremendously. I feel quite young to have lost my Dad and sometimes feel very alone even though my mother is my best friend. My life is completely different now. I am scared of my family size and don’t want to be orphaned. After much reading, I know I am not alone. I would love to share my story and/or speak to someone in a similar situation. Thanks for your work and for bringing only children together.

**********************************

Thank you for your response to the interview with Michelle LeTourneau. I am so glad that you found it helpful. Please write us your story so that we can share it with others who may learn from you. I am so sorry about your loss, but you sound like someone who will always make the best of any situation. I hope that you have some close friends you can turn to when you need extra support. You can always write us and talk about what’s on your mind. We do look forward to hearing from you.

**********************************

DOING THE RIGHT THING

I discovered your site through ‘the start page’ in the web. I come from Holland, so my English will not be perfect.
I’m the mother of an only child. It was a conscious choice and I’m very happy with it. I too got comments like, ‘When will the second child come?” and “No more children. That’s sad for you.” When I have doubts it’s only because people say those things. My daughter is five years old and we were never in a situation, in which I thought, “And now it would be better to have more children.” When my daughter needs company she goes to the boy next door, who by the way, is an only child too. But when she feels like playing alone, which happens, she stays at home and plays alone.
The three of us went on vacation to Spain, and my daughter found so many other children to play with she was never alone. When she is older and wants to go to university, she can go because we will be able to afford it. If we had more than one it wouldn’t be possible.
My best friend has three lovely children, but I’m not jealous. She is always busy with school, sports, birthday parties, her own job etc. Even if my daughter had bothers or sisters there would be no guarantee that they would get on well. I know families with four adult children who never see each other and when the father is sick, it is always the same person in that family who takes care of him. I have a colleague who has one brother whom she hates. Maybe these are isolated examples, but it is not always love and happiness in the families.
In other words, I think I am doing the right thing.

**********************************

DOUBTING MOM

Hi. I am the mom of one very wonderful little boy named James who is two. I struggle with the issue of raising an only child and naturally want to do what is best for him. He is our delight and we love him more than we ever dreamed possible. I would have been sorry had I never had this person in my life...he is our angel. We are older parents. I am nearly 40 and dad is 47. How do I know if only one is right for us? How do I know if only one is right for Jimmy? We are very happy now and love the trio we’ve become. Wouldn’t a foursome be twice as wonderful? I don’t know. Please send me whatever you’ve got, and I will absorb it like a sponge. Thanks so much for your organization.

**********************************

Deciding how many children to have is so personal that it’s difficult to say what would be best for you. Having another child might round out your family and make you happier than having one. But it also changes the dynamics of your relationships forever. Families with more than one child may not be as closely bonded as families with one. Siblings often rely on one another more than they rely on you for sharing feelings and experiences. This is natural and can be extremely beneficial. As far as families are concerned, there can be joy in any number. The one thing you don’t want to do, however, is be pressured into having a child you don’t really want. Nor should you have another child because you feel guilty. Only children grow up just fine and statistically are higher achievers than kids with siblings. They are also strong and resourceful. Good luck no matter what path you choose.

**********************************

SOCIAL GRACES

I am the father of an eleven-year-old boy. He is our only child.
Today, while doing playground duty at his school, I observed an emotional outburst from a young girl who happens to be in the second grade. She was expressing great sadness and anger at what she believed to be abandonment by a close friend. This friend of hers seemed truly shocked at this accusation.
Natalie was surrounded by a number of other girls who seemed equally confused by Ivana’s accusations. As I began to mediate the situation, it became obvious to me that what Ivana perceived as rejection, Natalie saw as the result of simply choosing to include others (in addition to Ivana) in play. I spoke with Ivana apart from the group. As she expressed her feelings and thoughts, I found myself hearing things that sounded familiar. So, I asked if she had any brothers or sisters. She said no. One of the things that my wife and I have realized over the past few years is that an only child views socialization differently than children who have siblings at home. To these children play often must be dictated by their own interests. They seem genuinely challenged when it comes to participating as an equal in play. They can also be particularly sensitive when attention is being given to one individual in that group other than themselves.
My intention is to explore resources that may provide support for only kids by helping them develop social skills that balance out their inclination to focus on themselves.

**********************************

What you have observed in your child and Ivana can certainly be an only child issue. But children with siblings can have the same sensitivities, especially if their siblings tend to exclude them in their play. Only children who are allowed to control situations at home and whose opinions are given too much weight often feel that they can control situations with their peers. Ivana felt rejected because she wanted to be the center of Natalie’s attention just as she is the center of her parents’ attention. Also, because only children don’t have siblings their friendships, even casual ones, are very important to them.
Kids with siblings learn about rejection from their brothers or sisters on a daily basis, and they learn that they can and will survive that rejection. Only children have to learn that from their peers, which they ultimately do. It just takes a little longer. Parents need to let that rejection process proceed without their interference. Kids will learn how to deal with it on their own. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your child about what is going on, but let her try to find solutions on her own.

**********************************

FAMILY SECRETS

I’m a new subscriber, and thrilled with your digital publication. I’m an only child and both my parents were only children (as were two of my grandparents). It is more than likely that our infant daughter will be an only child as well. This concerns me because I feel that there are many misconceptions about only children. It’s something I typically don’t share with someone until I get to know them very well!

**********************************

I know what you mean, and your concerns are not unwarranted. Many of our readers write us with similar complaints. The next time someone tries to stereotype your child or you as a parent, tell them that your child is everything you always wanted and your family is complete the way it is. As an only child, if you wish, you can point out all of the positive aspects of being an only child. One of the missions of Only Child is to clear up many of the misconceptions about only children. Because only children spend a great deal of time with their parents, they tend to do better in school and take on more leadership roles than children with siblings. You should be proud of being an only child and you should raise your daughter to be proud as well.

**********************************

NOT TO WORRY!

Dear Only Child, I just happened to be looking under "only children" as so many people have these weird misconceptions about them. Im an only child, now a granny with 3 adorable grandkids. I have always been happy. I'm a musician and just notice myself making a lot of warm loving relationships with people. I guess some of my girlfriends are considered "my sisters".

How can I tell people not to worry about raising an only child?

**********************************

You just did!

**********************************

STRIKE A CHORD

My husband and I have a 5-year old daughter and are not planning to have any more children. Sometimes we feel guilty about denying her relationships with siblings, but we simply do not want any more children. We get the usual remarks about how spoiled and self-centered she will be without any brothers and sisters and how awful it is to raise her by herself. Sometimes those comments really strike a nerve and make me self-conscious. When she throws a temper tantrum or doesn’t share, I know onlookers are thinking, “That’s what happens with an only child!” I'm subscribing today!

**********************************

Try to relax about having an only child. Guilt is not a reliable emotion and can only make you and your child feel badly. No matter how you try to hide your guilt, a child can pick up on it. Your daughter may then act out her feelings in inappropriate behavior. Spend your time and energy wisely when it comes to dealing with what are really issues of growing up that ALL children experience. All five year old children get frustrated. You need to help your daughter channel her frustrations in productive ways. Don’t worry about other peoples’ reactions. Also, children don’t need siblings to experience sibling relationships. Close friends can offer the same experiences for your child. Peer relationships will help develop and refine your daughter’s social skills. Also, your child’s friends and playmates will put her in her place if she gets out of line, She will learn social boundaries from others as well as you. Usually only children are quite good at sharing with their friends because they don’t have to share with brothers and sisters. If your child has a temper tantrum... it’s TIME OUT! Separate her from the situation , no matter how it may make you look. Try to remember, there are no perfect five year olds just as there are no perfect 35 year olds. Don’t worry about your child growing up to be self-centered. If you set the example, she will learn to be giving and loving. Start a family tradition of community service. Reach out to those in need as a family and your child will always be concerned about others. Your daughter is old enough to help you hand out food to the homeless or collect blankets and clothes for those in need. If she sees that you are caring people, she will be too. I also suggest that you give your daughter structured responsibilities at home. There are chores that a five year old can do quite well and that help a child understand that everyone in a family has obligations. She can help you fold the laundry, tear lettuce for a salad, and put the dishes away as well as putting away her toys. Use your imagination to make these chores fun, and I think that you will be happy with the results.

**********************************

TOO MUCH GUILT!

Dear Only Child:

Boy, can I relate to the anguish experienced by some of the other one child parents who have written to you. I have also felt guilt at not providing my 4 1/2-year-old son with a sibling. But if I had one now they would be too far apart in age. My husband and I are personally thrilled to have just one, but feel our son will eventually start feeling lonely, like he's missing out on something, etc. Oh, I could go on and on. I am eagerly looking forward to hearing from you.

**********************************

You should enjoy your child and not worry about what other people might think or feel. If you give your son all of your love and provide him with enough peer interaction, he won't be lonely or feel left out. Parents who aren't happy about their decision to have one child, inevitably pass that sense of loss on to their child. If you are contented, your son will be too.

**********************************

NOT TOO FAR AWAY

Dear Only Child:

I would like to subscribe to Only Child. Hopefully the Netherlands is not too far away. I am an only child myself and I've always been very happy with that. I live in perfect harmony with my parents, in fact I miss them very much now that I am in college. Still many people think that it must be terrible to be an only child. It is good to hear that more and more families are deciding to have only one child. My parents didn't make that decision; it just happened. On your web site you wrote about how important friends are to only children. I understand that because I seem to have deeper friendships than most other people. Right now I do have a boyfriend, an only child too! I like that because we can understand each other.

**********************************

Dear Not Too Far Away:

Thank you so much for your warm letter. So often people concentrate on the negative aspects of being an only child, when the truth is that the experiences only children have are as positive as anyone's. Our daughter is a senior in college and still feels very close to us. The bond is always there.

**********************************