SOCIALIZATION INTO WHAT?

Yesterday, something happened that I've frankly dreaded since our son, a 7 1/2-year-old "only" child named Dylan, entered toddlerhood: The loud, boisterous, sometimes boundary-ignoring and ever-growing posse of neighborhood boys trooped up the driveway bearing hockey sticks, tree branches, and other stereotypical boyhood paraphernalia to see if he'd play with them. He and his mother had just returned from errands, and Dylan had gotten out of the car before she had, and in the bustle to get shopping into the house, she didn't hear if Dylan said anything in reply. She greeted the kids, they asked again, and she checked with Dylan and told them something to the effect of "No, not right now."

Why "dread"? That's where this gets complicated, so some background: I'm a writer/college professor, my wife is a visual artist and "stay-at-home mom" (the scare quotes I've already employed should be read as impatience with labels that seem to me demeaning). Both she and I can accurately be described as introverts, our artistic pursuits immensely nourishing to us, our love for our son saturating us, our friendships few but deep and rich. Dylan is extremely bright, articulate, imaginative and, with "normal" kids, especially "normal" boys, shy almost to the point of paralysis--until he's been around individuals for a little while. Even then, he hates large groups, has no interest in/great fear of (We sometimes can't sort our his reactions) group play, yet does fine in school, is well-liked by teacher and classmates, and, from what we've been able to deduce, isn't viewed as in any way unusual in his social behavior, though, again, he can't be described as "boisterous" except sometimes with us, his grandmother, the two of our friends who live close by, his one friend--that's right, at this point, he has one other kid that could qualify as friend--and his aunt.

Finally, he not only has no trouble, but eagerly approaches adults of all ages, the eighteen-year-old barijsta at the local Border's, the checkout clerk at the grocery store, various people at the food coop, perfect strangers all. He chats, waves whatever totem he's carrying (huge plastic spider, plush bat with built-in squeak, etc.) chats some more, asks them questions, waves goodbye, and so on.

We live in a neighborhood in which a number of the couples-with-kids (no one in the vicinity has an "only child") have formed a typical (I'm guessing, having, I confess, zero interest in anything beyond simple civility) network of activity: cookouts, mass trick-or-treating, impromptu games of football that bleed onto adjacent yards without regard to the wishes of the householder, barking dogs, roaring motorcycles, strutting adult male shirtlessness and bellowing, etc. etc. etc. The "headquarters" of the boy-posse is right next door, and when the prevailing temperature reaches 45 or 50, windows and doors get flung open, etc. etc. etc.

What's my question? I'm not exactly sure. Beyond working with Dylan so that he looks a kid or kids in the eye(s) and says, "No thanks" in a clear voice if/when he doesn't want to play, it mostly seems that it's OK that he doesn't play with these kids or any others he doesn't want to. Yet I worry (a great deal) that he's not getting some fundamental experience of finding his place in a group in which he's initially an alien, which is, after all, something that's necessary at various points in life. This is a deeply emotional situation for me, not only for his own welfare, but for my own, and somewhat less so, for my wife's. I worry that I just don't have any will or desire to nudge him into the scrum of boys because I so loathe the warmer-weather noise and the constant, sheer publicity of life in this otherwise pleasant neighborhood. To me, home is a sanctuary, a place to which to return to those you love and gain nourishment from, not a launching pad for public activity. The extroversion that characterizes American culture (not to get categorical here, but it's true) feels to this introvert (and pleased to be so!) much ado about less than nothing.

I guess I mostly wanted to get this off my chest, not that that will help (much) ease the anxiety sitting like a cold rock in my gut at the moment.

**********************************

Your letter and concerns are very interesting. Many parents of only children worry, sometimes obsessively, about whether their kids will be social enough and know how to get along with their peers, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. It sounds as if Dylan gets along pretty well with his peers at school and certainly, like many only kids, has substantial comfort relating to adults. Since you describe both yourself and your wife as introverts, maybe Dylan is taking after you. Kids do inherit personalities from their parents along with their eyes and hair color. You don’t mention whether Dylan has a few close friends or not, but it is important that he have one or two , so that he can share “kid” things with them. It will help Dylan if you open up your home to some of those neighborhood boys in small ways. Dylan may feel overwhelmed by a large group of boisterous kids. Try inviting two of them and their parents over for a barbeque when the weather is pleasant. Also, you might engage in a little storytelling with Dylan. Make up a story that is similar to his experience about a boy who is invited to play but doesn’t respond politely. Talk about how the boy who is being ignored might feel. Give your characters names and place them in a different environment than your own. Clearly, you are a creative person and can come up with something imaginative. I think that Dylan will see himself in the story and understand that his own behavior was exclusionary and could hurt. Only children need to learn that their feelings aren’t the only ones that count. I think that you should make an effort to gently integrate your son into the neighborhood. After all, you are very lucky that there are plenty of other kids in the neighborhood that want to play. Dylan only has to find a few with whom he can relate. But if he senses that you don’t want other kids around, he won’t either. You are his role model. Take it from someone whose only child is grown up, enjoy every minute of the energy that kids bring with them. Once they leave home the house is all too quiet.

SIBLING RIVALRY?

I am an only child and my husband and I have one daughter, three-years-old. We are considering having more children, but as much as I intellectually believe it's a great idea, I am frankly horrified at the prospect of having sibling rivalry in my home. I can barely tolerate my parents arguing over where to have dinner, much less having the kind of hitting and biting and dirty tricks I've witnessed my childhood friends and their siblings experience. My husband tells me that my fears are greatly exaggerated, but he would - he is the oldest of three boys! I can't possibly be the first only child bewildered by the prospect of how to manage relationships between her or her "non-only" children. What resources can you suggest?

Well-ADJUSTED AND QUITE HAPPY!

I am 40 years old and an only child. Back in the 70's when I was growing up, I was an oddity. I was pretty much the only kid without siblings. I wished I had some, but I was still well-adjusted and quite happy.

Now, however, I am actually quite thrilled to be an only child. I enjoy that I am free to make my own decisions about my life without alot of interference from siblings. I am also raising an only child, who is also quite comfortable that way.

The myth of the spoiled rotten, selfish, anti-social only child needs to be crushed. I think, being an only child actually made me less selfish and less anti-social. I had to get out there and make more friends and be more sociable, because if I didn't, I would always be lonely.

I have also learned there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I love being alone. I thrive on it. People say "you must be lonely". No. Not at all. I'm just very comfortable and happy by myself. That's not lonely at all. Being an only child taught me how to entertain myself and enjoy myself.

Only children are probably some of the most well-adjusted people on earth. But I guess that's our little secret, isn't it?

ODD... YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN ONLY CHILD!

My husband and I went to lunch at a local Sushi restaurant to celebrate the publication of my book, “The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child” in Korean. This restaurant is located on a street that used to be frequented by preppy locals, little old blue-haired ladies and students from the tony girls’ school a few blocks away. Then it was discovered by the studios (You can stand in the middle of the street and see the Hollywood sign on a clear day) and almost simultaneously the area became a multi-ethnic melting pot. We were waited on by a cool young Korean fellow who told us that the owner is Korean as well. Since the Koreans and Japanese have a long standing dislike of one another (check out their history of hostilities), this is rather incredible. Even more interesting, our handsome waiter told us that he is an only child, who according to his parents, didn’t turn out very well. I said that he looked pretty good to me. His parents wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer (like all good Korean and Jewish parents), but he was a rebel child. Instead of going to college he enlisted in the military (just got out) and wants to be a chef…an Italian chef. He wants to buy my book for his parents so that they can figure out where they went wrong. I, however, think that they did something very right since Augustine (prophetic Italian name) is clearly his own person, an adventurer, and a lover of life. He says that he wants to be a starving artist. We told him that as long as cooks for others he will never starve.

FAMILY TIES

I came across your site today and wanted to share my story. After three years of marriage my husband and I decided to have children. Three years later I was still not pregnant. My husband hurt himself on the job, so I quit my job to take care of him. One month later I was pregnant at age 30. I started my own home-based business and my husband went back to work. My pregnancy went fine until I went into labor seven weeks early. At the hospital, there was nothing they could do to stop the labor. My son arrived seven weeks early weighing in at four pounds twelve ounces. He spent four weeks in the hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit. He is almost three now and fortunately has been very healthy. I, on the other hand, have had stomach and female problems since his birth. I have not been able to get pregnant again. Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to have another. I try to tell them what’s going on, but no one listens. At this point in my life, I don’t know if I want to have another child. I am very happy with the one child I have. I am very busy with my business, and I refuse to put my son in child care. If I did have another child my business would surely have to stop. I know I would want to devote all my time to my kids. Am I being selfish? I don’t think I am. Also. I do not think I could go through another birth trauma like the one I experienced with my son. I was told by my doctor that I have a 80% chance that it could happen again. Thank you for your web site. I have learned a lot from it.

**********************************
Thank you for your heartfelt story. We find many only child families that start off with such difficulties have a far greater understanding and respect for just what a FAMILY is all about. A family can be any size. It’s the amount of love that counts. We hope that as you traveled through our web site that you learned how fulfilling it can be to have one child. Only children have strengths and resources that children with siblings often don’t have. You are indeed fortunate to have a healthy, happy child. When people try to pry into your family situation, why don’t you tell them that your family is complete with one child.

**********************************

PLAYING FAIR

I heard about your web site in our local paper, and I think it is a great idea. I often feel guilty about having an only child. My daughter is five years old and always wants play dates after school and on weekends. I try hard to arrange this, but it’s not always possible to have one every day or even every other day. She was crying about this today and said, “It’s almost like having no friends.” It breaks my heart. I feel guilty and don’t know what to do. Even our vacation at the beach is becoming an issue. Who will she play with? Will she have fun if it’s just us? Unfortunately our family is not that big so there aren’t many cousins. Any comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am really at odds. It seems all I do is try to plan play dates!

**********************************

One of the hardest lessons for any child to learn is how to occupy himself/herself. It’s a universal complaint and not unique to only children. But parents of only children (like you) sometimes feel that they must occupy their child’s every waking moment. Of course your daughter is going to do whatever she can to manipulate you and get what she wants. Why not? Don’t fall for it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Your daughter needs to learn to occupy herself. Set up quiet time for your daughter to play in her room with her toys. Encourage her to picture read her books and come back and tell you her versions of the stories. Set up challenges like art projects that will develop her creativity. Don’t let the TV be your baby-sitter. As far as the vacation is concerned, follow the same plans. If other children are around, encourage her to reach out. She will ultimately have to learn these skills and it’s never too early. Don’t be so quick to jump in and “make it all better.” Siblings teach each other how to survive disappointment and rejection. Only children have to learn that by participation and interaction.
Above all, don’t feel guilty. All of us come into the world with limitations, and no one has the perfect life. The important thing is to make the most of what we have.

**********************************

LETTING GO

My only child is graduating from high school this year, and I’m not handling it well. My son is extremely bright and capable and has been accepted at some premium schools far from home. I’m torn because I will miss him terribly, but I don’t share these feelings with him. My husband and I know that we must give our son wings (especially necessary for an only), but I need some advice for coping. I feel like I’m in mourning. Some days I’m so happy for him and other days I am so sad I can cry at the drop of a hat. Help!!

**********************************

You’re not alone! When any child leaves home it’s hard. But when it’s your one and only, it can be overwhelming! The old saying, “You have to let go to hold on” may be trite but it’s certainly true. During those times when you feel overwhelmingly sad remember how much your son has accomplished (with your help, of course) and feel proud. Remember how much effort it took to get him where he is today and pat yourself on the back. Then think about all the things you will now be free to do. It’s your time to move on too. Explore your options, and share your thoughts and feelings with your husband and son. Ask their advice about how to fill your time. If you include them in the process, it makes it easier on you, and you won’t feel quite so alone. Start looking into volunteer programs, mentor, take classes, start the process now! Sneak away with your husband. Plan that trip you’ve been postponing, and take it. The phone and e-mail will keep you and your son close. Try to enjoy your son’s college experience with him. Attend parents’
weekend and take an interest in the classes he is taking. You may even want to read some of the books he reads so you can talk about them with him.

Try this book: Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Today’s College Experience, by Coburn & Treeger

**********************************

TOUGH TRANSITIONS

I currently subscribe to your great publication. I just read the interview with Michele Letourneau in a past issue and enjoyed her comments. I feel the same way she does in many situations. Being an only child is a unique and positive experience. I am a 26-year-old only child and have loved being the only child in my parents’ life. I have had a great relationship with them. My father spent 26+ years as a naval officer and retired in 1990 as a pilot.. He was a captain.  We moved about 13-14 times by the time I was on my way to college, which made for an even more interesting and wonderful life as an only child.
On June 21, 1998, my father died suddenly and sadly from a heart attack. It was on Father’s Day. How ironic it had to happen on that day. Since then, my role as an only child has changed tremendously. I feel quite young to have lost my Dad and sometimes feel very alone even though my mother is my best friend. My life is completely different now. I am scared of my family size and don’t want to be orphaned. After much reading, I know I am not alone. I would love to share my story and/or speak to someone in a similar situation. Thanks for your work and for bringing only children together.

**********************************

Thank you for your response to the interview with Michelle LeTourneau. I am so glad that you found it helpful. Please write us your story so that we can share it with others who may learn from you. I am so sorry about your loss, but you sound like someone who will always make the best of any situation. I hope that you have some close friends you can turn to when you need extra support. You can always write us and talk about what’s on your mind. We do look forward to hearing from you.

**********************************

DOING THE RIGHT THING

I discovered your site through ‘the start page’ in the web. I come from Holland, so my English will not be perfect.
I’m the mother of an only child. It was a conscious choice and I’m very happy with it. I too got comments like, ‘When will the second child come?” and “No more children. That’s sad for you.” When I have doubts it’s only because people say those things. My daughter is five years old and we were never in a situation, in which I thought, “And now it would be better to have more children.” When my daughter needs company she goes to the boy next door, who by the way, is an only child too. But when she feels like playing alone, which happens, she stays at home and plays alone.
The three of us went on vacation to Spain, and my daughter found so many other children to play with she was never alone. When she is older and wants to go to university, she can go because we will be able to afford it. If we had more than one it wouldn’t be possible.
My best friend has three lovely children, but I’m not jealous. She is always busy with school, sports, birthday parties, her own job etc. Even if my daughter had bothers or sisters there would be no guarantee that they would get on well. I know families with four adult children who never see each other and when the father is sick, it is always the same person in that family who takes care of him. I have a colleague who has one brother whom she hates. Maybe these are isolated examples, but it is not always love and happiness in the families.
In other words, I think I am doing the right thing.

**********************************

DOUBTING MOM

Hi. I am the mom of one very wonderful little boy named James who is two. I struggle with the issue of raising an only child and naturally want to do what is best for him. He is our delight and we love him more than we ever dreamed possible. I would have been sorry had I never had this person in my life...he is our angel. We are older parents. I am nearly 40 and dad is 47. How do I know if only one is right for us? How do I know if only one is right for Jimmy? We are very happy now and love the trio we’ve become. Wouldn’t a foursome be twice as wonderful? I don’t know. Please send me whatever you’ve got, and I will absorb it like a sponge. Thanks so much for your organization.

**********************************

Deciding how many children to have is so personal that it’s difficult to say what would be best for you. Having another child might round out your family and make you happier than having one. But it also changes the dynamics of your relationships forever. Families with more than one child may not be as closely bonded as families with one. Siblings often rely on one another more than they rely on you for sharing feelings and experiences. This is natural and can be extremely beneficial. As far as families are concerned, there can be joy in any number. The one thing you don’t want to do, however, is be pressured into having a child you don’t really want. Nor should you have another child because you feel guilty. Only children grow up just fine and statistically are higher achievers than kids with siblings. They are also strong and resourceful. Good luck no matter what path you choose.

**********************************